Someone said to me recently that if you cant look after a plant then you cant look after yourself.
Now after my goldfish fiasco where I went away for a week and forgot to feed them, only to return home to find Ringo had ate John from the arse upwards, Johns dead face with a look of astonishment on it, mouth wide open, eyes bulging...err, no i take that back, he's a fucking goldfish, let me start again....Johns dead pan face, fixed at the point of anal termination, whilst from the neck down, simply a rack of skinny ribs glued to the side of the bowl, while ringo, now twice the size of when i last saw him, lording it round and round the bowl, occasionally stopping for a chunk of Johns neck. Anyway, back to plants. So I thought Id do an experiment to see how well I could look after a plant. So I went to the garden centre and asked for 'the worlds easiest plant to look after' After much deliberation and conference meetings in the garden furniture area, a gaggle of garden centre assistants (is it a gaggle or a pride, i could never quite remember in school when it came to retail assistants, or was it penguins?) returned with this minature sort of tree. One of them proudly announced that it was an ancient Aztec Plant and its natural habitat was the desert of the ancient Aztecs. Now you may be surprised, but I know very little about the Aztec deserts, but Im guessing there werent many alan titchmarsh types with horses hooves in their bottom lips and a watering can to look after them if you get my drift. The assistant proudly proclaimed it required no maintenance at all. I took 2.
I got up this morning and for some reason had forgot all about the plants so thought Id check em out.
2 fucking husks of brown fucking powder in a plantpot they were.
The rest of the day ive been frantically searching for my car keys to go and complain to the garden centre, the housekeeper didnt do the fucking ironing so im wearing a 20 year old 'police' t shirt with japanese pyjama bottoms and 1 fucking sock, theres red wine all over my fucking austin powers rug and I had eat a linda mcartney special out of its cardboard box coz I couldnt remember how to put the sodding dish washer on.......
23 comments:
Thanks for the laugh Paul.
If the music thing doesn't work out you could easily take up comedy. :)
The fish rib image makes me feel a bit weird but that's probably just because I'm a Piscean.
Don't throw the husks (or the ribs) away though, stick them on Ebay with a signature of authenticity, you could probably make a fiver, throw the 'one sock' in and you could double that at least.
LMAO!! Someone gave me a plant as a prezzie recently..... MMMMMMM...guess i'm shite at looking after myself too!
You make me laugh, too funny. I would love to see a pic of you in that get up. Your hair was probably plastered to the sides of your head, too, right? Maybe you should turn your focus to comedy...and, hey, your life sounds a lot like mine, except I have kids and, like, 12 pets! If I forgot to feed them, it would be a bit of a mess! LOL!
Hello. Well...I'm not going to suck up to you telling you how funny you are, hell no. I'm goin in with all guns blazin this Friday eve...So here we go. Never mind the fish and the plants..YOU HAVE A HOUSEKEEPER!!! How shocked am I? Have you got a secret missus and 4 kids? lol. Well it was a foregone conclusion you couldn't look after a plant or fish if you can't look after your own clothes!! 'But I'm busy....' yeah fookin yeah. Anyway, didn't you know that ironing your own shirts is food for the soul? No? Time to shape up and get a bit peckish methinks..!!
RE the plant thing, how about getting an air plant? Tip: Make good fridge magnets :) bye bye x
Wow, I thought everyone had a housekeeper? :^)
One man band/comedian type jobby mr draper dear..there's a thought eh?
I once made the mistake, when I was a child, to touch one of my Hamster's new babies... imagine my horror when I came in to look an hour later and found the mother dining on said baby hamster's head... gruesome. Nobody told me!
Let us know when you find a good indoor plant, I've been needing some greenery around here... speaking of which, I think that garden gnome was mistaken.. didn't the Aztecs live in pretty fertile, lush areas? Central America is not a desert. Oh, and I think you'd call a group of sales clerks a Flock... that's what they do, innit?
Gosh... Parenthood problems?
There are second chances.. Maybe you should try with a cat. They won't bother you...
..
I think I'm gonna listen to my Mansun cds.. You kinda made me want to..
You're fun
love
luCy
...wait a minute...not long ago you wrote on Facebook that you were taking your dog for a walk...
Paul, I, like you, am crap at looking after stuff, but if you want a plant I'd recommend a rubber plant. Mine's been alive for 16 years now and I almost never water it. I think my husband does it now, but before I met him it got watered about once every 2 months at best and it didn't die.
They're great!
Spider plants are what you want. Go to bed, leave one tiny plant on windowsill with sunny outlook. Hey-presto, in the morning, day of the triffids. Excellent!
OMG. You will not believe this. Got one of those crappy magazines through the post today, one of those ones that tries to sell you all sorts of crap like a USB Coffee Warmer, Spider Catchers, Hairbrush Cleaners, and intriguingly and most amusingly, the "She Wee" and "Unisex Happy-Pee & Uriwell" (Do you dread being "caught short" in a traffic jam, or miles from a loo? Or perhaps you have a toddler who constantly "needs a wee"? Keep one of these reusable Uriwells in your glovebox or handbag and never worry again. The size of a coke can it is unisex and expands when necessary). The thing that got me was the "reusable" aspect and keeping it in your handbag. Eeew gross. And the size of a coke can? My handbag aint that big!
Anyhoo, I digress. On the very first page of this veritable tome was something called the "Aero Garden". You can grow herbs, tomatoes or salad the whole year round, apparently, no soil, no weeds and no mess. But most importantly it says "NO GREEN FINGERS NECESSARY". And I immediately thought "Ha, Paul Draper!"
The website address is www.aerogarden.org.uk. And it has been gadget tested by NASA so you should be alright!!!!
Enjoy your greenery. Im off to be a Shee Wee and a Uriwell..... LMFAO!!! xx
the story of the goldfish is fucking funny.i like it.
my plant almost dead for lack of water. forget it,i can't even take care of myself.
being a serial plant killer I decided to change my ways and bought dried flowers. Saves time, money and emotional trauma.
Pity I hadn't used the spare time from horticultre to spend it looking after Stephen and Steven my goldfish...RIP!
Yes, the Aero Gardens are great, but a bit expensive. I really like the herb growing one. A friend of mine grows cilantro, parsley, basil, etc. so all year round she has fresh herbs for cooking.
How come I never seen this blog before Paul?
You should know you can't take care of plants, it's not a rock musician thing... unless you're in british sea power.
thanks for the giggle Paul. I have to say if I don't feed my dog at the pre-determined time (ie 7am and 7pm - not a second later) then he appears at my side, nudges my hand with his mush and does kind of doggy semi pirouette starting at me and ending up facing the direction of his food bowl, in case I forgot where it was. The 18 month old is easier to understand - he just screams, points at his mouth and slaps the fridge door. Of course tried that with the missus and she just slapped me.
More of this fun please!
fish are evil. They're supposedly scavengers who can survive at length without food; but given a few days without goldfish flaky food goodness they always resort to cannibalism - sick buggers. As for the rubbish housekeeper, lack of ironing, dishwasher ineptness and inability to feed yourself pardon my old fashionedness but you need a woman in your life Mr D
The really ironic thing is that I just read a whole page about adult ADHD (because I've realized I have it) and this post is like, 100% ADHD. And thus, I completely understand the feeling...
Retail personnel called penguins? That's what I used to call the nuns in school.....lol.
X
Post a Comment